I don’t know about you but I definitely wax and wane. Perhaps, over the years, I have become slightly better at it, or at least in some areas I have, but it remains something that can so easily be neglected. Which sounds odd when it is written in black and white like this: that I so easily neglect myself, but it is sadly true and I suspect I am not alone in that.
Admittedly, my first thoughts when I hear self-care, are around pampering - warm baths and scented candles, but it also includes being compassionate and kind to myself, in actions but especially so, in my thoughts and the ways I speak to myself. It is also about listening to what I need and doing what I can to respond to that. It all sounds lovely and sensible but sometimes it has felt a lot easier said than done. How many of us have been in a situation where we know what we need to do but doing it is a completely different story?
I think the answer lies in self-discipline. My day-to-day experience has taught me that it becomes difficult because it involves actively practising self-discipline. Patanjali lists self-discipline, Tapas, as one of the niyamas, the practices in relationship to our selves, on the yogic path. Learning to be more measured both with what to do but also with what not to do. It is present in all areas of our lives, in every decision and every action that we take. From stopping myself having the extra portion of something tasty, to knowing where my boundaries are and stopping myself running to someone else’s rescue (especially when they haven’t even asked for help!) to avoid feeling the uncomfortableness of their distress. Equally, when I do fall short, I have a tendency to tell myself off and noticing this allows me to change the way I respond to myself.
I read on someone’s post the other day that you end up becoming the person who was not present for you when you were in need, or something along those lines. It got me thinking of how true that might be and made me wonder how good we might be at being that person for ourselves. Are we able to look after ourselves in the way that we endeavour to look after our loved ones? And what would it feel like if we did?
As human beings we are social beings, already programmed to seek connection, in order to support the continuation of our species but also to support its evolution. I suspect that the ‘other’ is helpful in our evolution, because being in relationship teaches us about ourselves and gives us the opportunity to practice loving and caring, which perhaps eventually we can turn to our own selves.
Loving and caring for ourselves seems so simple and yet it is something that most of us really struggle with and find challenging. I’ve spoken to many people who have helplessly and hopelessly resolved to “I want to but I don’t know how!”. And yet, most of us have an idea of what we want from another. The love, the affection, the attention, the space and time, the advice with our best interests in mind, and generally the keeping us in mind, in their thoughts, in their actions, in their hearts.
How often do we keep ourselves in mind in our thoughts and actions?
Perhaps we can start from learning through relationship with another and then do our best to start to do the same for our own selves.
The last few days I have been wondering: What would it feel like to welcome my self every morning? If that was a practice to establish, daily, as I wake up each morning, what would that feel like? And then ask myself, "What do you need today?" - I often need to spend some time in nature, be in it, connected, yet I don't always honour or even pay attention to that need.
August is my chosen dedicated month of self-care. Despite knowing, mentally, cognitively how to look after myself I still seem to fall short, regularly. So having dedicated my birthday month as the place to intentionally focus my efforts on self-care feels like an act of caring and nurturing in itself, and a good starting point.
It occurred to me that to care for ourselves we have to first be present with ourselves and start the process of accepting whatever it is that we find.
Krishna said to Arjuna that one can be one’s own enemy or one’s own friend. To start that process, we have to start paying attention to ourselves and notice what kind of relationship we are cultivating. When we sit with ourselves are we friends or are we enemies? The very act of being with ourselves is in itself an act of self-care because we start to send a signal and a message to ourselves that we care enough to start to pay attention. Maybe we can start with 5 minutes of mindfulness, perhaps 1 minute, or 5 whole breaths where we are truly and fully present might be enough. Because what a better way to show ourselves we care, than validate our selves with our full presence. It might not be easy and it might need a lot of self-discipline but it is definitely worth trying.
If you feel ready to intentionally start that journey and need some guidance head to Resources and make use of the 5-minute guided mindfulness recording. Perhaps after that it might also be helpful to spend 5 more minutes to journal and take note of your thoughts and feelings. Or make a list of all the ways that you can start to consciously care for yourself. Perhaps you can share some of these below.
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